The Art of Being Alone
For the First Time in 9 Years
Being alone is an art. I failed to realize how nuanced it truly is. I foolishly thought I was part of this upper elite group. I have always stated whenever the topic would come up with friends, family or my partner at the time, that I would be okay if the relationship ended, that I would have enough things to keep me busy, that I, was able to be alone.
This was quite far from what the truth had in store for me.
I am currently 27 years old as of writing this and have been in 2 long relationships over the past 9 years. So that means when I was just turning 18, I entered the first of two relationships. This would carry me all the way through most of my university career and end 8 months before I had finished. The second would comically start 1 month after that relationship had ended. Emotions are a beast of their own and I dare not to stop them from doing their thing. So I entered into the next relationship, still very raw from ending my previous one. This would last an additional 3 and half years, bringing us to now.
So for the past 9 years, I have had someone to provide emotional support, physical support, unlimited love whenever I needed it and affirmation to top it all off. Someone to help me through the tough times, to keep the demons at bay and someone to always believe in me.
I had always thought that being alone meant that you were literally and physically alone in a location. I always had my partner a simple call or text away. I could drive to see them at anytime or with the second relationship, we never left each other’s side for the full duration of the relationship. So alone to me, was still being able to communicate with them freely. Which was hilariously wrong.
Instead of gently being placed into this foreign environment, I was thrown into it instead. Not to mention the feelings of total rejection and heartbreak that comes from a breakup. All were the recipe for an extremely subpar experience.
Now, this is all quite new to me, so I am no expert but here are a few things I wish I knew instead of having to read “How to” articles and videos for the past month.
If you have recently broken up or had a roommate move out, you are going to notice the hilarious amount of time you now have. I quite literally have gotten 8–10 hours back from not having them in my life anymore. It was time well used while in the relationship but it is almost comical how much time there truly is in the day. Start scheduling the hell out of your day. I personally started with every minute being accounted for. From the time I got up to the time I went to bed. Everything was in a calendar and as I have a Mac, using the built-in calendar app allowed me to sync between my devices. This became far too rigid after week two, so I began to feel it out instead. I record what I do for the day in my calendar now as a form of habit tracking which keeps me accountable.
Next, start as many new things as you can muster the time for. This very much is the shotgun approach. Try them all out and see what sticks. Figure out what your goal is now that you have this time. For me, it was to achieve my goal of getting a Data Science job by November, getting in ridiculously good shape, keeping my mind off of my ex, making more money and just consume more information.
So I began doing coding interview problems 7 hours a day at first and realized that is exactly how burnout happens. So I dropped it to 4 hours, enough to feel like I put in a fair amount of work but not enough that my brain wanted to melt.
Next was getting into, and I quote “ridiculously good shape”. Lofty goals but how would I go about that during a lockdown? The heavens opened up, the planets aligned and TikTok’s algorithm gave upon me an answer. (There are benefits to our devices always listening…sometimes) I found what is called the #75HardChallenge. To do a quick summary, you follow around 6 rules: workout twice a day, one has to be outside, drink A LOT of water, read non-fiction every day and stick to a healthy eating plan. Oh, if the name of the challenge did not make it clear, you have to do it for 75 days straight, no cheat days, no breaks, foot on the gas the whole time. The main purpose of the challenge is to be quite mentally and physically demanding. However, it does cover getting into shape, consuming more information and keeping thoughts of how broken I am on the inside at bay.(If you can’t joke about how in the dumps you feel, then you lose) After day 7 and I have just finished day 8, you really only think about how sore you are. Not only that, you feel better and happier due to exercising every day. While doing my two workouts, I listen to audiobooks or TED Talks. In 8 days, I’ve powered through 2.9 books and have an hour left before completing book 3. Do not let the intensity lead you away from doing it. Alter it to suit what YOU can do, then follow that. For those of us who have personal commitment issues, have an accountability partner. My friend is luckily also going through a breakup so we have wagered $100 against each other. Whatever works for you, do that.
Lastly, making more money. I have been unfortunate yet fortunate with this whole pandemic thing. My father has cancer so I have been unable to go work anywhere. Thankfully, the Canadian government has blessed my bank account on a monthly basis. I have also been extremely privileged to be able to live with my parents, worry-free. While I have desires to work remotely, I wanted to have a means by which I could do that other than through Data Science. The best way to look at this is what can I create or what can I do that someone would want to pay me to do. My friend offered his Photoshop account so that is where the needle fell. So, we will see in say, 3 months where I will be at with that skill.
Okay, actually lastly, take yourself on dates or just out. I was so frustrated with my whole situation two weeks ago. Unable to explain the way I felt nor wanting to lash out at loved ones. I packed my laptop, kindle, phone and drove an hour away. Probably taking some extravegance from my ex but it helped. Walked around a random town, bought some food, tethered the internet to my laptop from my phone and watched a show. Honestly, I did not fix the problem but I definitely felt better afterwards.
The whole process of being alone is not learning to be alone. Rather how to be alone. It really becomes hard when the love for ourselves was not being generated from within us but being acquired through someone else. It’s scary being alone and not having that support. It is, however, extremely rewarding to cultivate that independence for ourselves.
There is one caveat to this whole post. There is a massive difference between isolation and independence. Cutting off people and trudging through the trenches of isolation WILL make you independent but it comes at a cost. You lose the people around you that care and love you. You end things that the you in the future may wish had not ended. Independence can only occur from within, regardless of who you are or are not with. Isolation just forces yourself inside without any support. Seek independence through self-discovery, not isolation.
Thanks for reading, hope it gave you even a sliver of a new perspective.
